Ohio

Scoot- another man Charlie- this isn’t going so well

Scoot- what are you talking about? I don’t remember when it ever went so well. Listen, listen, listen.

C- Scoot

S- listen. This is good….

C- Scoot. Pull your head out of your ass.

S- such language. What? You think it isn’t any good.

C- read those lyrics. Scoot does so dutifully and quietly. C- no, read them aloud. Out loud.

S- O is Octopus and Orangutan and Olive and Orion

O is for Ohio

H is for Hercules and Heroditus and Homer and Hiram

H is for Ohio

C- Heroditus?

S- Heroditus. What? You want to change that?

C- Go ahead.

S- Go ahead what? Change it or keep it or keep reading?

C- Keep reading.

S- I is for Igloo and Ice Cream and Iceland and Iguanas

I is for Ohio

O is for….

I am starting to get the feeling that you disapprove. Am I reading into this too much? You seem a little….I don’t know…snotty and snooty and petty….I think you’re being petty now. P is for petty and C is for Charlie. So PC, Charlie.

C- Cut it out.

S- P is for petty and perturbed and petulant.

C- C is for cut it out.

S- O is for Ok.

C-so give me the rest of it.

S- the last O?

C- yeah.

S- it repeats the first O.

C- what do you mean?

S- O is for Octopus an Orangutan and….

C- we couldn’t think of any other O words.

S- I couldn’t. You weren’t really participating.

C- because I’m the music man Charlie. I come up with the melody.

S- so what have you come up with?

C (walks over to the piano and bats out chopsticks)- so what do you think?

S-f is for fantastic.

C- maybe we should choreograph the thing. It might give us some inspiration. To move around.

S- I suppose. And a 1 and a 2 and a 3 and a 4 (They begin to move around one another in a vaudeville routine, one circling the other. They begin to sing, Charlie first in a low bass and Scoot afterwards echoing out the O-H-I-O) Charlie- OHHHHHHIIIIIIIOOOOOO

S- What’s the Indian word for beautiful?

Charlie-OOOHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIOOOOO

S- What rhymes with beautiful?

C-OOOOOHHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIOOOOOO

S- What could pass for grass on the open plain?

C-OOHHHHHIIIIOOOOO?

S- what could a young man do?

C- in Ohio

S- except fall in love with you

C- with who?

S- with O

C- with who

S- with H

C- with who?

S- with I and O

C- With who?

S- with Ohio, that’s who. They stop singing. C- that sucks.

S- I think we might need to give the grant money back.

C- we owe it to this state.

S- f is for fraud.

C- cut it out.

S- f is for fraud and felony and fisting

C- Scoot, it’s a $500 grant. There will be no fisting.

S- I’m gentle. I wouldn’t last in the slammer.

C- the big house

S- the yard

C- the house of fist.

S-I don’t want anyone going near my rump.

C-OK

S- we owe it to Ohio to complete this song.

C- what do we owe?

S- all that you are. Every pop you drank, every fair you went to, every elephant ear you ate, every cow you tipped.

C- Every girl who flashed me their panties back in school, every hayride I went on with Sarah, every bare knee, every lock of hair

S- our Ohios might be a little different.

C- Every Ohio history class. Every astronaut, every mediocre President, every Paul Newman, god bless his soul.

S- he’s not dead.

C- OK, sure. Every Johnny Appleseed, every Tecumseh, every Simon Kenton, every steeltown, every stoop, every vowel of the word, OHIO.